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| Photo courtesy hdwallpapers.com |
Me 2003: Oh, hi. Are you me from the future?
Me 2014: Yes, I’m 30 year old you. Your life is going to change in massive ways in the coming decade. But I didn’t come here to tell you about all that.
Me 2003: Have you come to warn me about the robot apocalypse?
Me 2014: No. In fact, the zombie apocalypse is much more in vogue now. But no, I came back to 2003, to tell you about The Hobbit.
Me 2003: Oh man, you’ve seen it? Is it as amazing as The Lord of the Rings? I just saw Return of the King…
Me 2014: Yeah, I know, and you cried through practically the entire thirty minute ending.
Me 2003: It was so emotional man. I felt like I was on this journey with them.
Me 2014: It really was fantastic wasn’t it? Peter Jackson really nailed it.
Me 2003: He sure did. I can’t wait to see what he does next. Is it The Hobbit?
Me 2014: It’s not. He’s actually going to remake King Kong. And it will star Jack Black and that guy from The Pianist.
Me 2003: That sounds kinda cool. I’m sure he’ll nail that too. He nails it doesn’t he?
Me 2014: Well, not so much. But I’m not here to talk about King Kong, though I will say, you will love the video game adaptation of that movie. It’s surprisingly great. No, I’m here to talk about – nay – warn you about The Hobbit.
Me 2003: Warn me? What do you mean? I love The Hobbit. It’s such a simple, whimsical adventure. How can anyone possibly mess that up? Especially Peter Jackson.
Me 2014: Well, he doesn’t necessarily mess it up, per se. It’s just that… well… I’ll just come out and say it. He made it into three different films.
Me 2003: WHAT?!?!?! How… how… how is that even possible? They set off on the adventure, go to Mirkwood, the trolls get turned to stone, Bilbo meets Gollum and gets the ring, he steals the stone from Smaug, and the battle of the five armies closes it out. There’s not enough in there for two films, let alone three.
Me 2014: That’s exactly the same reaction I had when I found out.
Me 2003: Of course. It’s absurd. Ok, but I’m sure they have good reason and will make it feel like it fits. It’s Peter Jackson after all.
Me 2014: Actually, at first, it wasn’t going to be Peter Jackson directing it. It was going to be Guillermo Del Toro.
Me 2003: Who?
Me 2014: He directed Blade and Hellboy.
Me 2003: I’ve never seen either of those.
Me 2014: I know. But he eventually makes a movie that you’re going to love. It’s called Pan’s Labyrinth and it’s a really wonderful fantasy adventure. It’s one of our favorite movies of all time.
Me 2003: Wow, I can’t wait to see it. So I suppose he would’ve made a great Hobbit. Why didn’t he direct it?
Me 2014: I don’t know for certain, but I heard he left due to creative differences. Looking back on it, maybe he objected to extending it out to two films.
Me 2003: But you said it’s three films.
Me 2014: It is. But they didn’t announce that until just before Desolation of Smaug came out last year. Oh, that’s the title of the second film by the way.
Me 2003: Kinda sounds like a cash grab to me.
Me 2014: Oh totally. It’s like they saw the success of the Extended Edition DVDs and decided that the audience demands more and that more equals better.
Me 2003: I love the Extended Editions. More definitely seems better to me.
Me 2014: I totally know what you mean. But even you will eventually get sick of the Extended Editions. They’re just too long and the pacing is completely off. You’ll fall asleep more times watching those than you’ll actually see the end of either.
Me 2003: Man, future me sounds lazy.
Me 2014: You were unemployed for a while.
Me 2003: Oh shit, I better start working on my resume.
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| Photo courtesy metatube.com |
Me 2014: Don’t worry, you have a few years. Speaking of which, maybe think twice before accepting that management position they offer you. But anyway, back to The Hobbit. I just watched the third film, The Battle of the Five Armies and man, do I feel ambivalent about it. So ambivalent that I’m deeply saddened by my own ambivalence.
Me 2003: Hold on, I need to look online for the definition of ambivalence.
Me 2014: Here, use my iPhone 5 and just google it.
Me 2003: iPhone? Apple is making a phone? There have been five of them?
Me 2014: Actually there have been six. Yeah, start buying stocks right now.
Me 2003: So why do you feel ambivalent about it? I mean, it’s not as bad as the Star Wars prequels is it?
Me 2014: No. God no. Oh, by the way, they’re making more Star Wars movies. And George Lucas isn’t directing them. And Disney now owns Star Wars.
Me 2003: Man, the future is insane! Is Star Wars Episode 3 any better?
Me 2014: Better is a relative term. It’s better, but still pretty bad. But The Hobbit isn’t that bad. It was a good movie. Ok, it was decent. They were all decent. The first one more than the other two for sure, but it’s just that this no longer feels like Lord of the Rings to me.
Me 2003: How do you mean? It’s still the same actors? Or are they different? And Weta Workshop is still doing the effects right?
Me 2014: Oh yeah, it’s generally the same cast. Obviously Ian Holme isn’t playing young Bilbo – that’s a new guy named Martin Freeman. And he’s actually perfect for the role. But everything else just feels like it’s been infected with Hollywood bullshit.
Me 2003: Like what?
Me 2014: Like the special effects. Remember how the original trilogy had a really small budget and used practical effects and makeup instead of relying completely on computer generated effects? And how the low budget helped make it all feel that much more real and tangible?
Me 2003: Well yeah, it’s very fresh in my memory. It’s 2003 remember?
Me 2014: Oh right.
Me 2003: But who cares if it’s all in CG? Weta Digital created Gollum, the most sophisticated digital character in cinematic history. I’m sure it doesn’t lose much in translation.
Me 2014: You’d think so, but there’s just something off about it all. It feels like a cartoon more than a real place. Have you learned about the scientific theory of the uncanny valley yet?
Me 2003: The what valley?
Me 2014: The uncanny valley is a theory that no matter how realistic we try to make something – say a robot, or computer animated character – the human mind will always be able to tell it’s fake. We will always see tiny flaws in the design that differentiate the fake from the real.
Me 2003: Ok. I’m confused. But still, I’m sure they look just as good as in the original trilogy right?
Me 2014: Some things do. Gollum still looks great when he shows up in the first film. But he’s MIA from the others. And Smaug looks stunning – really stunning. But it’s the orcs that really get me. You’ve watched all of the making-of videos on the DVD, so you know that the orcs in the original trilogy each required hours of makeup in order to transform the actors into the scum of Mordor. But in The Hobbit Trilogy…
Me 2003: That’s still so weird to hear. Hobbit Trilogy. Heh.
Me 2014: Yeah. So in The Hobbit, the orcs are all CG. Even the main orcs. I think there are some practical effects added in there, but they all just look extremely fake. It’s a real bummer.
Me 2003: Ok but you can’t tell me you disliked the movies just because of the fake-looking orcs.
Me 2014: Well, no. And I didn’t say I dislike them. I said I’m ambivalent towards them.
Me 2003: I still haven’t figured out how to use this iPhone thing, so I don’t know what that means.
Me 2014: It means that I walked out of that theater last night, feeling like I was now less of a fan of The Lord of the Rings films than I was three years ago. I came out of it feeling like I care less about these movies than I used to, almost exclusively because of this trilogy of Hobbit films. I walked out feeling like I really just don’t even care.
Me 2003: Kinda like me with Star Wars after seeing Episode 1 and 2.
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| Photo courtesy inquisitr.com |
Me 2014: Exactly like that. It all just sorta feels like fan-fiction at this point. Peter Jackson and his writing team made The Hobbit into a prequel trilogy to The Lord of the Rings rather than its own standalone, magical adventure. They jam in all these weird references and ties to the LotR films that don’t fit well.
Me 2003: Like what?
Me 2014: Like Legolas. He’s a major character in these movies.
Me 2003: What? He’s not even in The Hobbit is he?
Me 2014: No he’s not. And he essentially goes through the same character arc in this trilogy as he does in the LotR.
Me 2003: So he starts out hating dwarves, then learns to love them?
Me 2014: Precisely. By the time the third movie ends, he openly puts his neck on the line for dwarves.
Me 2003: But at the beginning of Fellowship, he outright despises dwarves.
Me 2014: You’re catching on quick, young hobbit. And maybe you can refresh my memory. At the beginning of Fellowship, Gandalf has to convince Elrond that Sauron has returned, right?
Me 2003: Yeah, Elrond says something like “If what you say is true Mithrandir…”
Me 2014: Right, he requires some persuading. Well, this movie contradicts that, because there’s a scene where Elrond sees the eye of Sauron for himself and confronts him head on. I threw my hands in the air at that scene and looked around the theater like, “does nobody else see the problem here?” I nearly threw my raisonettes at the screen.
Me 2003: Ok, but will I hate these movies?
Me 2014: Not at all. It’s just that I felt like two thirds of this trilogy wasn’t necessary at all. And worse than that, it all felt much less heartfelt and magical. It just felt like a fabrication of what made The Lord of the Rings films so great.
Me 2003: Bummer. Well, thanks for warning me about all this. So do you think I should just not even go to see them when they come out?
Me 2014: I don’t know. That’s something you’ll have to decide. If you do, you will be supremely disappointed, and you might question if the original trilogy was ever all that great in the first place. But if you don’t, then you’ll still be left with a deep sadness. Either way, man are you gonna be bummed out.
Me 2003: I don't know if I can trust your judgment. We'll see. What else can you tell me about the future?
Me 2014: You have a daughter and you get married again. So you’ll have a lot less time to care about trivial things like this. So it’s not all bad.
Me 2003: Whoa. That’s crazy. I’m not ready to be a dad.
Me 2014: You never will be.
Me 2003: Ok.
Me 2014: Oh and also, when the Red Sox are down three games to none against the Yankees next year in the ALCS, put all your money on them to win it all. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
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