Five Things Nobody Tells You About Being A Parent

Having children is a blessing. I’m sure you’ve heard this before. Everyone who has kids loves to spew this line between their gritted teeth and exhausted smile. They’ll tell you it’s the best thing that could ever happen to you. They’ll tell you about all the wonderful things that babies can bring to your life. And they’re not lying. Having kids really is a wonderful blessing.

But it’s also a stressful, drastic, life-changing event that will have you doing things you never would’ve imagined. Maybe it’s in an effort to further the existence of the human race, or maybe it’s denial, or maybe it’s just out of embarrassment – but for whatever reason, most parents have a few things they just won’t tell you.

I’m not one of those parents, and I want to make sure you are a hundred percent prepared for the harsh realities that you’ll face when you have a child of your own. So here are five things nobody tells you about being a parent.

Photo courtesy notanothermummyblog.com

You’ll post pictures all over Facebook too

When you have kids, you suddenly stop posting pictures of drunken parties and selfies and start posting pictures of your baby and more pictures of your baby. I know it’s annoying, believe me. A few years ago I was as annoyed by my friend’s constant baby pictures as you are now. But it’s ok, it’s completely normal to be annoyed by these pictures – just as it’s normal for me to now be annoyed by my friends who post drunken selfies. You won’t be able to help it; one day you’ll look at your newsfeed and suddenly realize you’ve posted fifty pictures of your baby in the last month.

Photo courtesy babble.com

You’re going to rearrange your schedule for your kid

“We won’t be those parents who let their child dictate their schedule,” we said. “We’re going to do what we want, when we want,” we said. “We don’t always need to stick to her bedtime,” we said. We said so much, but we lied. We are those parents and I can’t imagine not being those parents. There’s a reason schedules are important for kids – they become cranky if they don’t get to sleep on time, and you become cranky if you don’t get your kid-free time. Don’t fight it, just succumb to the fact that your child now rules your life.

Photo courtesy quickmeme.com

Your sex life will take a nose dive

Speaking of kid-free time, you may never want to have kids after what I’m about to tell you. Your sex life is going to change drastically. You’ll be exhausted all the time, and so will your partner. When you’re not exhausted, you’ll have other things to do that will take precedent over intimacy. And when you actually find a moment to have adult fun-time, say, nap time for instance, you better be quick about it. That sleeping child is a ticking time bomb, and can wake up and ruin any intimate moment at the most inopportune times. Oh, and shh… be quiet… the baby’s sleeping.

Photo courtesy owned.com

Your interests no longer matter

It’s a miracle that I’m even able to write this post right now. Writing is one of my many interests – along with video games, movies, hard drugs (just checking to make sure you’re paying attention) – that have had to be cut back in the name of fatherhood. It sucks, trust me. You will be so out of touch, it’s not even funny. I’ve already written about the drastic steps I’ve needed to take to keep pace with the video game industry. It’s not all bad though. You’re going to memorize episodes of Sesame Street and one day you might realize you’re getting more entertainment out of this kid’s show than your actual kid is. Seriously, the episode about triangles is a classic.

Photo courtesy quickmeme.com

Leaving the house is now an epic adventure every time

Right now, when you want to go somewhere, you only need to grab your keys, maybe your purse or wallet, hop in the car, arrive at your destination and go about your business like a normal human being. Now, though, every time I leave the house, I feel like Frodo setting off on an adventure to mount doom, only I don’t have a pony to carry all the heavy crap. There’s the diaper bag with all its contents – the diapers, wipes, extra clothes, toys, pacifiers, bottles, sippy cups etc. – along with the stroller, toys for the car ride, the baby bjorn, the cart and seat cover, an extra blanket, oh and the bundle of joy of course. Leaving the house is no longer a simple hop skip and jump. Now, it’s a journey of epic proportions.