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| Photo courtesy gamespot.com |
The Game Awards aired last night. I tortured my wife with
watching the entire three hour show. She’s not much of a gamer, though she’s
played games like Bastion, Journey and The Walking Dead with me, and she can
tell you what games Naughty Dog develops and knows the difference between an
FPS and an RPG. So she’s a good sport. However, she’s also a sarcastic,
sometimes cynical critic of pop culture, and my beloved pastime is not exempt
from her harsh remarks. So I decided to write down some of her reactions to The
Game Awards as they happened.
Without further ado, I give you, The Game Awards according
to Coley Jones.
On Metal Gear Online:
“I thought that was stupid. He’s on the robot and he just kicks them and they’re
dead? Why was there a dog and a person with hearts above his head?”
On best performance: “Babe,
I want to be a voice actor. How do we make this happen?”
On the best
performance winner: “Seriously? Trey Parker? He’s been doing those voices
for years. Why would he win? This is day-to-day work for him.”
On Bloodbourne:
“This is really gruesome… Ew ew ew! That game was uncalled for!”
On the Banner Saga 2
performance: “They gathered all those people to sing just for that two second
thing?”
On violence in games:
“If they can make a game like Journey, why aren’t there more games like that?
All these games are the same. That Bloodbourne game does not need to be made.
That was beyond gruesome. And you gamers wonder why you get a bad rap?”
On the sound
problems: “This is a show run by tech nerds and they can’t even get the
sound right for the show?”
On Hazelight’s
teaser: “So you go from gruesome to boring in no time. That was not
impressive. What was impressive was the moon and the way it reflected on the
power lines. But other than that it was boring.”
"I can wrap my brain around gynecomastia but I can’t wrap my brain around how they built No Man’s Sky."
Regarding the techno
musical tribute to game soundtracks: “This is like a nightmare”
On Adr1ft: “So
basically this is just Gravity the video game? Um no. Like, what do you do?
Just float around? No thank you.”
On Dragon Age winning
best RPG: “That’s not a surprise! If it’s up for Game of the Year, of
course it’s gonna win this category”
On Project S.T.E.A.M.:
“That voice would annoy me through the whole game. ‘Oh I see one, Oh I see
one!’ We heard you, shut up! I don’t even know what’s happening”
On Before’s art
style: “Why don’t they have any faces? You can’t breathe without a nose.
You need to breathe. I get minimalist, but you can’t breathe.”
On pre-rendered
trailers: “Alright, this is what I don’t understand. They do these trailers
and they look really amazing but the game doesn’t look anything like that when
you actually play it.”
On Battlefield:
Hardline: “What’s this?? I wanna play that game! That looks awesome. That
looks right up my alley. Why aren’t there more games like that? Yeah yeah yeah!
Look at all that pot! They’re gonna get the drug dealers! It’s a true crime
game. Something I can relate to! That cop that they keep showing though? The
tall one with the sunglasses. He’s kinda hot.”
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| Photo courtesy gamerevolution.com |
On Until Dawn: “Why
does she have a towel on? Turn the flashlight off! Ok so I like the player
choice thing. But I think it’s gonna be completely annoying because she’s an
annoying dumb blonde. Oh it’s Hayden Panattiere? Well that just ruined that
game. Of course she’s running around in a towel. She’s an idiot.”
On Destiny: The Dark
Below: “Oh there goes my husband. I’m gonna be a Destiny widow again.”
On the tech behind No
Man’s Sky: “I can wrap my brain around gynecomastia but I can’t wrap my
brain around how they built No Man’s Sky.” (She’s a nurse. So she knows that
gynecomastia is the medical term for man boobs.)
On the length of the
show: “This is too long. If you ever question how much I love you, you just
need to remember this night. I could be watching something else on another TV
or on my phone but I’m watching this with you.”
On the Dragon Age
acceptance video: “I’ve never seen that shirtless guy that walked behind
them in Dragon Age. If he’s just walking around everywhere in Dragon Age, I
will watch you play more Dragon Age.”
On the fact that it’s
still not over even after the last award: “I feel like this show should’ve
ended with the game of the year award. Why are we watching Zelda? Oh my god
this is painful. This is supposed to be an awards show. It’s more of a
premieres show, with some awards on the side. We’re not staying up for Imagine
Dragons. We’re not.”
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